What the birds and bees are ‘really’ doing

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Birds, bees, and…bears? Ménage à QUOI?

“Birds do it, bees do it, even monkeys in the trees do it!”

Yeah, do what? “Fall in love?” Suuuuure, that’s exactly what it means. Then why do we refer to ‘the mating talk’ as ‘the birds and the bees’? Today I learned that some bird species actually have retractable man-bird-parts (thanks, internet!), but most birds just kind of rub together, squawk a little bit, and then a stork drops off some eggs the next morning. And there’s rarely breakfast-in-bed, or nest, afterwards. Happy uber-belated Valentine’s day, kids!

What I want to know, is what’s up with birds being associated with ‘doing the dirty’? Aside from ‘the birds and the bees’ and ‘doing it’, where in the world did storks come into play? (as you can probably tell, I seem to always have a Family Guy/Simpsons/South Park reference ready up my sleeve) I demand to know why storks are dropping off babies. Besides, if you tell your kid that the stork is the one responsible for his or her baby sibling, I imagine a smart kid will inquire as to where the stork got the baby in the first place. Did they steal it? Did they pick it up at the local cabbage patch? (or carrot patch, if it’s a ginger child) Did they just poop it out themselves, like they poop out their eggs?

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And yet, some of the dropped ones still somehow end up in society.

Pretty sure it was tonight’s big story on the local news:

REPORTER: “There have been multiple reports of break-and-enters this week in Porkansaw, Alabama. Four local women have apparently been targeted in the same block throughout the week. The second oddest thing about this situation is that all of the reports are coming from these women’s husbands.”

HUSBAND 1: “Yup, I was in the other room, and Bess lets out a noise she dun usually make anymore! I run in and dem’s a figure jumpin’ out the dern winder. So fast he almost flew, I’d say!”

BESS: “Oh, I was okay with it–trust me.”

HUSBAND 2: “I dunno who was up in there messin’ with my wife, but he’s gon get it! Dem’s a stranger up to no good, started makin’ trouble in the neighborhood. Hide yer kids, hide yer wife!”

REPORTER: “Three of the four women tested positive for pregitis this morning. The fourth has been warming an egg since yesterday.”

Here’s the easiest way to cover all your bases: the next time a kid asks you where babies come from, tell them they are pooped out by storks.

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