The world’s creepiest scarecrows

For hundreds–nay, thousands–of years, scarecrows have been terrifying birds on farms. Well, one would hope they have. I guess the goal is to make it look like a farmer is out there toiling in the fields, which is scary enough in itself.

But does it really work? I mean, look at these adorable people stuffed with straw below, welcoming the blackbirds with open arms, smiling with their little black semi-circles, each inch lovingly hand-stitched:

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If you were a bird coming to enjoy a midday snack in that crop, would this couple stop you? Pffft…you’d peck their eyes out faster than you can say ‘mutilate.’ Or ‘carcass.’ Or ‘grandma.’

So if adorable ginger scarecrows puking sunshine and rainbows and plaid won’t do the job, who will?

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SATAN HIMSELF, OF COURSE!

Is this some kind of sick H.P. Lovecraft art adventure, or Skeletor’s snake-vomiting second cousin? Whoa–let’s take a step back here for a second. I want to see some legitimate scarecrows. Traditional ones, stuffed with hay and…

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…and murder?? Did the crows bring him around the side of the house, impale him on his own stake, and partially undress him? Did they put that late ’90s button-up shirt on him to further humiliate him? What method of madness is this?

Let’s move on. I’m sure we can find something a little less creepy.

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Ah, there we go. A real scarecrow, just like mama used to make. It stands tall and watchful over those frost-kissed pumpkins, taking care to…HEY! Hey, you damn kids! Get out of there! Caw! Ca-caw! Don’t touch those pumpkins! I may be facing the other way but I can still see you–they put eyes in the back of my head! If I weren’t attached to the ground and if I weren’t legally dead, I would whip you all!

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Ah, finally–some calm. A nice, classy gentleman scarecrow, from old country.

Only one arm, a malignantly tumoristic nose, Shutterstock watermark…it doesn’t frighten birds away. It invites them in for tea. And death.

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AND DEATH.

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Mannequins creep me out. Children staring? Creep me out. Armless people? They’re people too, you prejudiced jerk.

This is a creepy, non-blinking children’s mannequin head attached to a stake and a man’s casual dress shirt. It has been soiled with dirt. It has probably been shat on many a time by the birds it was supposed to freak out.

Instead of being a scarecrow and keeping the birds out of the wheat, it has only resulted in me having to change my pants. Thanks, Japan.

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I’ve mentioned how creepy clowns are, right? You read that earlier post? Well, if you thought I had enough reasons why clowns are creepy (oh, and the spawn of beelzebub), think again.

It’s a clown. It’s a scarecrow. It has prehensile googly eyes. It’s wearing your Asian uncle’s bathrobe. I think it has two Psy dolls attached to it.

WHY? It only gets worse from here…

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Oh, hey, is that a scarecrow or a huma…

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Blog before bed, you said. It will all be fine, you said.

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This scarecrow has won a trophy. For being really effing good at its job. Authorities have yet to stumble upon the Great Marijuana Crop of 2013, forever protected by the Great Thanksgiving Turkey.

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How about a good old-fashioned stake burning? Do I smell steak burning?

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If you weren’t horrified by scarecrows at the beginning of this blog post, I hope you are now. How else would you expect to react to these limp, boneless, soggy meatsacks that don’t blink yet look frighteningly alive?

Apparently, sometimes they breed, much like gnomes. Except I think scarecrows reproduce by letting out a poof of sawdust, and that cloud filled with trillions of microscopic scarecrow spores drifts lovingly over to another scarecrow and pollinates its entire body with skin-penetrating-goodness via some sort of phagocytosis/osmosis/12th-grade-biology-term.

So. They are pollinated with trillions of microscopic scarecrow spores.

Did you think I was going to say scarecrow sperm? Because I didn’t. But now I did. Because you are a troubled individual. And you thought clown meat was bad.

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I think it’s about time we all hit the hay.

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(P.S. For the real weirdos who read my blog–I love you–here are some more creepy Japanese scarecrows and hilarious commentary for your pleasure.)

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