The truth behind A&W’s Burger Family

You may be familiar with A&W’s ‘Burger Family’: the dainty and tasty mama burger, the rich and refined papa burger, the massive and doubled-up grandpa burger, the whiny tiny baby burger, and the hormone-filled OMG teen burger. Sometimes they like their porridge too hot, too cold, or just right. But how much do you really know about your beloved Burger Family?

No, they didn’t go on a murderous rampage and no, they didn’t resort to cannibalism in the wilderness when their wagons got snowed in. But they do have some notorious relatives that you may not know about. I’m here to tell you the truth. Because you need to know.


creepy uncle1. Creepy uncle burger: He’s biologically related to you, but sometimes he seems to forget that he is. The creepy uncle burger is packed with ketchup, lettuce, and gift cards to stores you never shop at. Only served at select restaurants in the midwest.


10592446-standard2. Ex-con cousin burger: Just like your ‘favorite’ cousin, this burger looks like it’s been in and out of jail more times than you can remember. Covered in grill marks that look like cell bars, the ex-con cousin burger is the creepy uncle burger’s only son and, you figure, they are plotting some kind of familial rampage together. Their dead eyes are filled with emptiness and bad Christmas presents.


angry3. Estranged ex-wife burger: She left papa for another burger and took all the money. But she keeps coming back to torment the family. This burger looks like the mama burger but the patty is cooked in a sweet bath of tears and revenge. It’s jam packed with onions, too. You may find hairs in this one, much like you once did with the drain in the shower.


1233660-burger_dog_super4. Fido burger: In honor of the family dog, this burger is made of 100% dog meat. Yes, even the delicious, toasted buns.



5. Mistress burger: It’s like the mama burger, but a bit slimmer and much fresher. Delicious, but you don’t want to tell your friends if you’ve eaten one. It’s illegal to consume the mistress burger with a mama burger in at least ten states.

(P.S. If any A&W PR people are reading this, you know I love you–please let me continue to consume teen burgers e’ery day)
(P.P.S. I plan to go back and photoshop these burgers as soon as I get a decent photo editing program again!)