If the news was written like a magazine for teen girls

I remember my magazines looking something like this.

I remember my magazines looking something like this.

It’s been years since I bought a teen magazine (maybe because it’s been years since I was last a teen…eeek!). Anybody remember YM? CosmoGirl? Seventeen? I’m sure I had others. I still have a collection of these mags hibernating in a drawer at my parents’ house, where I feel like they’re patiently waiting for me to dig them out and rekindle our forbidden romance. Mmm…no. Maybe I should toss them after all.

I was thinking recently about the differences between those god awful rags we read as kids and the god awful rags we read now. The content and the execution may be totally different, but maybe we could make the transition to adulthood a bit easier if we formatted the news teen girl style. Let me demonstrate:

 

Embarrassing moments

Shocked-Teen-171149“So, I was out at a movie with my crush/bf/whatever. Cute, right? Then he leaned in close. He whispered, “Babe, you are going to love this movie.” I nearly cried. He always said he wasn’t interested in seeing Twilight with me, so this was clearly a big step in our relationship. After the previews, suddenly the movie started. Where was Edward? Where were the sparkles and forbidden romance? Why is there a hairy midget with big feet? OMG. He took me to see the HOBBIT. I was so embarrassed!! I ran out and never spoke to him again!” – Betsy, 16

“My friend and I were dancing to Gangnam Style in front of my webcam, like any normal person would, duh, and then this creepy guy on Chatroulette decides to spread the video! He sent it to our principal at school, who then made her own Gangnam Style video, and it was way better than ours! It was so much better that everyone at school went to the principal’s party on Friday night and not ours! Ugh, sooo embarrassing!” – Gertrude, 17

Multiple Choice Storm Quiz

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OMG! Could you believe that there’s so much nasty weather in the East right now that people are losing power? They couldn’t even put on their makeup if they tried! Eww! Here’s a quiz, because we know you subscribe to this magazine for the quizzes:

1. You’re stuck without power for a whole day. What do you do?

a) Go to the store to buy candles, help your parents hand wash their laundry and make a fire to curl up beside.
b) Try to go outside to meet up with friends, but chicken out and stay home.
c) You use your cell phone to light up your face, put your makeup on, and get the hell out of the house–you’re not going to be caught dead inside!

2. There’s a few feet of that cold white stuff outside–it’s a snow day! You:

a) Shovel the driveway and make some hot cocoa. Yum!
b) Put on your cutest layered outfit and go outside to make snow angels. Maybe you’ll meet a cute boy snow angel of your own.
c) Don’t risk breaking your freshly-done nails. Like, really?

3. The municipal government is thinking about implementing new laws to make sure the streets are salted. You:

a) Go to the town hall for the public meeting and voice your concerns. You want to see fewer accidents in your neighborhood!
b) Salt the road outside your house yourself.
c) Ewwww, like who cares?

If you chose mostly As: Ew, you’re disgusting. Ew!

If you chose mostly Bs: You are totally not the popular kid in school. But that’s okay–we pretend that we understand teens of ‘all types’ (LOL not).

If you chose mostly Cs: You are worthy of reading this magazine. You have just won a free issue! Congrats!

Tech Truth or Dare

1877675-two-teenager-girls-whispering-a-secret-to-the-earChoose a number between 1 and 5! Then, choose ‘truth or dare’ from the corresponding number:

1. Truth: When did you first use a computer? Dare: Try to create a document with Microsoft Works! Ha!

2. Truth: Do you prefer iPhone or Android? Dare: Convince an Android user to convert to the iPhone 5! Good luck.

3. Truth: Do you still have a Blackberry? GASP! Dare: Print your perfect man with a 3D printer. Then take him to prom. OMG.

4. Truth: Would you rather have your own credit card or use your parents’? Trick question… Dare: Use a mobile payment checkout. Pay through a phone for the lulz!

5. Truth: If you had Google glasses, who would you ‘analyze’ first? Timmy or Bobby? Ew, they’re both so gross. Dare: Go into the boys’ bathroom at school. That’s always hilarious.