Your Horrorscope for October

Here’s your horoscope for October (aka Horrorscope). Sorry that it’s a little late, but I’m an expert horoscopetician. Don’t believe me? Here’s my background.

To friends and family reading this, the following may come as a surprise to you. In 2011, I received my Masters in Ass-trology at Canada University in Buttcold, Yukon, to supplement my undergraduate degree in Fallacious Fortune Telling. Since my best class was Probability (I scored 101%) I knew that horocope-ology and ass-trology would be my strengths.

If the following dates are incorrect, blame Ophiuchus (not included) and the very unreliable internet. You know your sign–I don’t need to spell it out for you. I now present…


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Don’t walk beneath a ladder this month, or terrible things may befall you, including the ladder. Your lucky number is 666, as is everyone’s lucky number this month. If your mother asks for something from you, make sure your answer is ‘yes’. You will be handsomely rewarded.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 19)

Something smells fishy, and it isn’t you, Pisces. Watch out for the dark stranger. You will receive a gift in the mail. I recommend hiring a drug dog and a bomb squad, just in case.

Aries (Mar. 20-Apr. 19)

Aries is my sign, so naturally October is a great month for Aries. Great fortune will arrive soon. Expect a costumed surprise around the 31st. In the house of Mars, this fire sign will surely see passion. Puddles or not, you should buy a new pair of boots tomorrow.

Taurus (Apr.20-May 20)

You should marry rich this month. If you aren’t already engaged, I recommend loitering outside your local medical school. If you feel trapped, finding someone is the key. The key to the cage you’re trapped in, that is.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

If you don’t have a twin, find one. And quick. Take the nearest stranger and duct tape them to you. If they are attractive, you can duct tape their mouth to yours. Don’t forget to wear a snorkel.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

You will take a leap of faith this month. Do not leap into a fountain, or you will regret it. Borrow a gemini’s snorkel if you need it. Then duct tape yourself to them.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 23)

There will be much to bat your eyes at. Male or female, you should wear false eyelashes. You will have to make a big decision this month. If this means growing your hair out and picking up an acoustic guitar, be careful–an old hippie will steal that guitar.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)

Your successes this month will be like stealing candy from a baby: easy and rewarding. Don’t let the man get you down–instead, throw a big party. If everyone shows up, you will have good luck for seven days. If no one shows up, it’s a sign that you should stop throwing parties and get off the internet to make some real friends.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)

Ahh, Libra. You will take a great leap, and you may fall, but there will be a cushion waiting for you at the bottom. Just kidding–it’s going to hurt.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)

If you are born on October 31, you should wear an eccentric outfit. You will fit in strangely well on this day, and it will also be your birthday. Hurrah! The tides are coming for you. You can spill anything you want on yourself at work until November 1st.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)

Pay attention to your heart this month. I don’t mean your love life; I mean your physical health. Jeez. You should go get a physical–it’s been a while, hasn’t it? You should probably go to the dentist, too.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

If you bring me a shrubbery, you will have good luck for the next two weeks. Two shrubberies and we’ll make it five weeks. It’s a great deal! Yours now for only $9.99. That’s the number of angels because it’s the upside down number of the beast. All right, enough–I’m done horoscoping!