Fun ways to frighten children

We’re getting closer to Halloween. Let me tell you a bit about frightening children.

No, that’s not what I mean; I mean making them frightened!

“What??” you say. “You get your kicks by frightening children? Go back to the depths of hell that bred you, cruel fiend!” It’s cruel, yes. Hilarious, also yes. It’s like getting initiated into a club: when someone scares the bejeesus out of you as a kid, it’s only right to pass the terror on to the next generation. You feel strong. Empowered. And eeeeeevil. So don’t take my advice literally, but the mere consideration is still pretty awesome. Besides–after you get your kicks, tell them you were just kidding and offer to buy them an ice cream. They’ll need it to feel better about pooping their pants.

The Bogeyman

Best reserved for that time you had to babysit the cousin/neighbor/etc. you really don’t want to have to babysit again. When little Johnny says that he’s afraid of the dark because Billy at school said there were monsters under the bed, reach down underneath it to ‘check for monsters’. “Silly Johnny, there’s no such thing as monsters. See, here, I’ll checkAUUUGHHH!!!!” And pull yourself halfway under the bed, struggling and screaming all the while. If little Johnny is still breathing after he has a bona fide panic attack, dust yourself off and buy that kid an ice cream. He deserves it after what he’s been through. Poor little guy. (P.S. I feel like Gary Larson may have tried this one before.)

Stranger Danger

Park your dusty, windowless van (you have one, right) by the local elementary school and ask a student if they want to see the puppy or candy in your midnight-hued vehicle. When they start running away yelling “stranger danger!”, stop them, give them a high five for being well trained in personal safety, and buy them an ice cream. That is, if their parents will let you after what you did to them. You creepy jerk, how could you! Now take that van to the car wash.



The Real-Life Anime Character

Of course Lady Gaga has done this before. Sit at the playground with your eyes closed. Make sure you’ve drawn big cartoon eyes on your eyelids. Anytime someone walks by, scream “Not so cute now, am I?!” And run after them, flapping your arms. Why? Because it’s freakin’ scary when someone with drawn-on anime eyes charges after you flapping their arms. You could also dress like a zombie and do this. Either way, congratulations–you’re officially a horrible person. Buy yourself an ice cream because that kid is long gone.

**Disclaimer: I do not support or endorse any actual creepy activity involving children of any age. Do not try this at home, or outside of your home. What? You did? What’s wrong with you?**