Six things I’ll eat straight from the jar

I almost titled this ‘Six weird things I’ll eat straight from the jar’, but then I realized that if it isn’t weird to me, I don’t give a damn if it’s weird at all. Sometimes we just need to fuel our addictions. Sometimes those addictions involve drugs or erotic pandas, but sometimes it just means comfort food. Let’s get beyond some of those so-called ‘societal norms’ and start indulging.

If you leave me alone with any of the following items, I promise you will never see them again.

1. Condensed milk

This is the reason I make key lime pie–so that I get to scrape the inside of this can right here as I bake. I could drink this stuff all day (well, I say that now, but don’t consider that an invitation for a challenge). But really–it’s full of sugar, thick and creamy, and some people eat it on toast (at some Asian restaurants I’ve been to, anyway). Give me a spoon and leave me alone with my condensed milk!

2. Creamed honey

Also sweet, thick and creamy, creamed honey of any variety is amazing. It ranges from the BeeMaid stuff you get at Safeway, to homemade berry honey at the farmer’s market. No matter where it came from, I could go into a diabetic coma with this. And if it must be so, then it must be so.

3. Nutella

As I was eating a spoonful of Nutella straight from the jar today–just to get the flavor–it sparked an idea for a post. “Does anyone else do this? Am I disgusting? Nobody can judge me! Nobody!” If you’re judging me right now, judge away. I could eat this by itself, or on pretty much anything.

4. Peanut butter

Preferably the chunky variety, and preferably the natural variety (but if it has sugar in it, so be it! You should know by now that I am okay with this). I used to mix it with chocolate (luxurious), melt it in the microwave, and eat it for dessert sometimes. I’m a big girl on the inside. I thank my parents for bestowing upon me a relatively good metabolism.

5. Maraschino cherries

When I was 18, I used to work in the service industry. Every time I passed the bar at the restaurant, I’d nab a maraschino cherry. One turned into two, which quickly turned into a handful. Eventually I had to stop as my teeth had started falling out. They didn’t actually. But I have a feeling I was cavity-free before working here.

6. Maple syrup

Call me Canadian (I am), but I love maple syrup. It’s hard to describe the feeling I get when I drink it put it on waffles. Well, let me put it this way: it’s similar to the feeling I get when I eat applewood smoked bacon: warm, fuzzy, happy, and a little sticky. I never had real syrup growing up. Instead, I just had that watered-down Aunt Jemimah sugar brand that I’m pretty sure was filtered through the fur of a Grizzly bear and exactly two raccoons before being bottled. This is what I knew as ‘syrup’ for years, and often declined it in favor of jam on pancakes or waffles. The first time I had real maple syrup, my eyes widened and my taste buds screamed: THIS is syrup? I now put syrup on my applewood smoked bacon, and let me tell you, it’s like fireworks are going off in there.

Now imagine mixing these six items together. That’s heaven. If there’s enough demand for it I promise to post a picture of me eating the final product later (and then passed out foaming at the mouth). Does anyone out there eat these things straight from the jar/can/bottle too? Similar or different foods? Am I just a disgusting person for doing this sometimes?

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