The 10 weirdest calendars I wish I never knew existed

Because I decided not to post ‘Hot Aussie Bums 2012’, here are some ‘other’ weird calendars that I really wish I never knew existed. In fact, some of these might have never been printed, or they were sold for a fundraiser. The fact of the matter is that you know about them now, regardless.

It all started when someone sent me the first one:

Why are there goats in trees? How did they get up there? I mean I knew some goats were good at climbing, but these aren’t mountain goats. These are tin-can-eating, chin-ball wagging, bleating, child-goring farm goats. Is this Photoshopped? Either way, this calendar wins my vote for one of the weirdest I’ve ever seen.

This one is no surprise. Cats do yoga every day. They have what, two, three, a trillion spines to work with? This isn’t fair. They are biologically more flexible than humans and now I’m reminded of this from January through December. Jerks.

The outhouse: something the average person likes to admire 12 months of the year. If there was a 13th month, I would hope that this calendar would be the very first to include it.

I need to put special emphasis on this next one. Look at its hairdo. I’m never eating chicken again. I have no further comment.

After viewing this calendar, I feel like I’ve certainly paid my doos. So–each image is a different dog poop shape? In a different scenic location? Custom made by different breeds? Can I get it with corn or in star shapes? I really wonder if I’ll have to special order this calendar.

Hot mormon muffins! Get ’em while they’re…well, this is just uncomfortable. She should really be covering her shoulders. Who is she baking these muffins for? Her husband? Her church? Her 10 kids? Me?

‘Men of Route Setting’ really puts emphasis on the hardworking people that may or may not be setting up the routes in your local climbing gym. Wow, Men of Route Setting, you sure are thrilling. Climb that ladder! Place that hold! Oh no, will he topple? Stay tuned for June to find out for sure!

Having your own kids’ artwork on your wall is one thing, but other kids’ crappy pictures? Was this a poor idea for a primary school fundraiser? These may have zero sentimental value to you if they didn’t come from your womb, your partner’s womb, or the womb of someone you know, love, and trust. Unless you’re a Kindergarten teacher and ‘every child is special’. Their artistic talents may not be created equal, however…this does somewhat remind me of an (adult) artist who translates kids’ drawings into serious works of art.

The Pointless Calendar: it’s real, it’s here, and I don’t know why. Pictures of a parking stall and a wall fail to enthuse me. But at least this calendar isn’t setting out to be something it knows it’s not. It knows what it is, and it’s proudly pointless.

Just unfortunate–the Tractor calendar. Loved by few, and misunderstood by most. Recommended for tractor enthusiasts and Billy Bobs everywhere.

To top this off, here’s a surprise: Tractor Women! Aren’t they just a treat…I guess this is the calendar Billy Bob keeps in the bathroom.